by Becky Akers,

I constantly marvel that a free pass to sexually assault 1.8 million passengers daily doesn’t sufficiently occupy the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) to keep it from further lunacy.

But no. John “The Perv” Pistole, TSA’s “Administrator,” has decided its notorious blue gloves and brown-sorry, blue shirts aren’t uniform enough. So, “as we approach the 10th anniversary of 9/11,” the agency is issuing “a commemorative wristband for the entire TSA workforce to wear to join together in remembering 9/11…We are pleased to announce that wristbands with the inscription ‘TSA Remembers 2001–2011’ have been purchased” — ya know, I hate to play Scrooge here, but how much of our money did these bozos squander on this? — “and will be distributed to all employees.

The goo flows as thick and sickening as the delusion when it comes to what the bracelets symbolize: not only “the horrific events of that day,” but also “the critical role each of us plays in securing our nation. Although we are spread out across the country and the world, we are united in our mission to protect our fellow citizens and our nation’s transportation systems.” Who knew The Perv was a jokin’ kinda guy?

But at least he admits that morons comprise his staff. The wristbands supposedly “ensure that all of us remember why TSA was created.” Yeah, easy to forget that when you’re hunting non-existent terrorists and boxcutters all day. Recall that these are the geniuses who are going to read our minds for “malintent” by studying our behavior.

The memo closes with this repetitive treacle [warning: serious gagging ahead]: “These wristbands are a reminder not only of 9/11, but also of our shared sacrifice and collective commitment over the past ten years and a rededication to continue carrying out our counterterrorism mission. Thank you for your service and for taking care of one another.”

Time for a bourbon, no ice.

Michael Boldin

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